Mascot Soccer

Mascot Soccer 2012

This is an excerpt from Sirk's Notebook. Read the whole notebook here.


This year’s mascot soccer game pitted sports team mascots against a team made up of Crew sponsor mascots. The rosters were as follows:

Team Mascots: Crew Cat, Stinger (CBJ), Rosie Red and Mr. Red (Cincinnati Reds), Krash (Clippers), Sir C.C. and Moondog (Cleveland Cavaliers.)

Photo by Sam Fahmi

Sponsor Mascots: Biscuit and Gravy (Bob Evans), B.C. (Roosters), Honey Bee (Lifeline), Pepe the Penguin (Kroger), Sub Dude (Subway), Cozy Cat (Columbia Gas), and Kona (Kona Ice.)

Photo by Sam Fahmi

The end result was a 5-1 shellacking by the team mascots. The scoring summary:

TM: Crew Cat (unassisted)
TM: Stinger (unassisted)
TM: Sir C.C. (Stinger)
SM: Sub Dude (unassisted)  
TM: Stinger (Moondog)
TM: Mr. Red (Moondog)

Photo by Sam Fahmi

Here are some notes and observations as I watched the game with my buddies Flick and Z-man. Flick dominates this because his voice was loud enough to cut through the crowd noise.

* Flick: “We brought Mr. Red and Rosie Red, but we didn’t bring Mr. Redleg because he’s too busy laughing at the Pirates.”

Me: “Are Mr. Red and Rosie Red married?”

Flick: “No, but they have the same last name. They’re brother and sister.”

* Flick: “How is Stinger allowed to play? Isn’t he locked out?”

* Flick: “Hey Moondog! Stop touching Mr. Red! You’re going to put your stink on him! I don’t want your Cavaliers stink on him!”

* Z-man: “I like the Cleveland Cavaliers dog there. He’s got a small head, so he can see well, and he’s got pretty normal footwear. All of those corporate guys are horrible. How can they even see anything?”

* Me, as Stinger celebrated a goal: “Why is stinger running around doing airplane wings when he already has wings of his own?”

* Flick, upon watching Mr. Red knock down Sub Dude by kicking the ball off his face: “And the Reds go high and inside! That was like Homer Bailey brushing back that fat catcher, McHenry.”

* Flick: “The bee is from Lifeline, which is weird since bees give up their lives for their queen.”

* Flick: “Pepe’s just hanging out. It’s too hot out for a penguin.”

* Flick, upon Mr. Red putting the team mascots ahead 5-1: “If there’s one thing the Reds can do, it’s close out a game.”

*Flick, in summary: “Corporate mascots can’t compete. Pepe’s stacking ice cream all day. Rooster’s Guy, I don’t know if he runs the store or spends all day scared that he’s going to be the next meal. The Bob Evans guys are named Biscuits & Gravy—not exactly a name you’d associate with a pregame meal.”

If you want some slow-motion highlights with music—and who wouldn’t?— watch here:


After the game, I caught up with Sub Dude, the Subway mascot, for this exclusive interview. I swear I am not making this interview up.

SS: “You took a good whack out there. What was it like playing in the mascot game?”

SD: “That was a great time. I did not realize that the ball was that hard. If I kicked the ball, it hardly moved. I learned I had to kick it with my knee. Then the Reds guy took a point blank shot at my face and knocked me over. Then he gave me CPR, which is what I remembered when I woke up.”

Photo by Sam Fahmi

SS: “The sponsor team appeared to be no match for the sports mascots.”
SD: “We had a lot of slow people. We didn’t have anybody athletic on our team. It was a stacked deck out there.”

SS: “Yeah, because the mascots get to train with their teams all the time, whereas the sponsor mascots have other jobs. Like Flick said, Pepe is stacking ice cream all day…”
SD: “At least I had the proper training diet, with all of my Subway subs. We ARE the official training restaurant.”
SS: “So what was it like for you down on the field?

SD: “I brought my soccer cleats and the field was perfect. It got hot inside the mascot costume really fast.”

SS: “What’s next for the sponsor team after this humiliating defeat?”
SD: “We’re going to retire for the rest of the year unless the Reds want to bring us to one of the playoff games.”
SS: “Wait, do you play mascot baseball too?”

SD: “No. It would be hard. You can’t see anything out there.”

SS: “It did seem that the sponsor mascot costumes were more of an impediment. You were the only one with normal footwear.”
SD: “Pepe’s feet are tied together. That’s a problem.”

SS: “While you had suitable footwear, I think the sandwich part of you probably made things difficult.”
SD: “The mascot costume keeps bouncing up and down. Now that I know what it’s like to run in it, I would have done a better job tying it down.”
SS: “Walk me through the goal, which came after an egregious 40-yard handball goal by the rooster, which I disallowed.”

SD: “It was a quick restart by the goal itself, and I was poaching.”

Photo by Sam Fahmi
SS: “What do you say to fans of the sponsor team, who are undoubtedly embarrassed by the 5-1 score line?”

SD: “Next year, we’ll be in shape for it. We’ll be ready.”

Questions? Comments? Checking your Subway sandwiches for concussion-like symptoms? Feel free to write at or via twitter @stevesirk

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